And there we were, thinking 'stealing' was a term from baseball… Well, it’s old news by now that Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle - a man whose base salary is said to be $495,000 per year, excluding his signing bonus - was arrested for shoplifting back in October 2014.
Of course, as enthusiasts of men’s cologne and eau de toilette, we were naturally interested in the story since it seems Mr. Randle shoplifted some men’s fragrance: specifically, a tester bottle of Gucci Guilty Black Pour Homme, plus some black Polo underpants.
It seems as if the irony and humour of the story weren't lost on the Internet public – or on us, for that matter… Here’s a mixture of our take on the incident and that of the good people of the world of Google…
First up, the obvious: he got caught stealing Gucci Guilty… no need to comment on that, except to say that the gods of irony were on form that day…
Second, if you read our article about Gucci Guilty Black Pour Homme (just click the green link), you’ll find that in our view, it smells like generic shower gel: so no doubt Randle wanted to make a clean getaway.
That said, some have suggested he pooped his pants at the prospect of committing a misdemeanor Class B theft, which is why he got new briefs and some cologne. Certainly new underwear is a good idea when you’re caught with your pants down like that… and he’ll need a brief when this comes to court, we suspect.
Still, at least the Frisco Police Department performed well: someone suggested the Seattle Seahawks should employ them as defense, given that Randle couldn’t outrun them. And we always thought it was the Oilers who once trained in Huntsville, TX, back in the 1970s, but maybe Randle will be doing his training there soon, too. Apparently, Randle is from Wichita, KS – but we bet he wishes he was from Dodge.
So why did a man earning that kind of salary indulge in shoplifting when he could easily buy these things himself?
Well, perhaps the shame of actually buying a nasty-smelling cologne like Gucci Guilty Black drove him to this, ahem, brief lapse of bad behaviour? Another theory is that it was a hazing ritual – he had to do it because the other guys on the team put him up to it. Or he was just plain stupid (he is said to have requested a $100 massage at the police station while being booked, and then wondered out loud if his arrest would make the news - see the booking video here).
Or, so another theory goes, it was to rid himself of the smell of his mistress's scent and his own soiled undies (which would be somewhat odd as he was apparently with his girlfriend and child at the time…).
While Randle might have been trying to get rid of his underwear, the Cowboys for one won’t get rid of him for this, of course: although we do hear the Steelers are interested in him... Anyway, at least his stay in custody was a brief one. Just such a shame he washed his dirty linen in public like that.
Anyway, and finally, we shouldn’t overreact: at least he didn’t steal, umm, frozen crab legs, say. And of course, the biggest joke of all is that to somehow undo his egregious act, Randle was promptly signed up to promote MeUndies, a niche manufacturer of underpants. That just takes the biscuit. Or takes the cologne bottle. Or the Polo underpants. Whichever.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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